We as women (especially black women) are supposed to be built "Ford Tough". We come from all walks of life. The single mom, the corporate woman, the married wife....We all have the same struggle.
We are expected to cook, clean, sex our husbands/boyfriends senseless all while maintaining a job, looking good, and remaining a lady through out it all. It's almost like we are forbidden to even show any type of emotion. And of course if we do have some type of opinion, we are automatically labeled as a "bitch" or a "woman scorned". My question is when did it become unacceptable to express how you feel?
I remember many days when I felt like my opinion didn't matter. And because I felt that way, I never really expressed it. Suppressing my feeling became my downfall. I got so caught up in my emotions that I even tried to take my own life. All because I was trying to hide what I was really feeling. When you get trained to not talk about your feelings with your significant other, you also start shutting everyone else out. Sure I put on a front with my friends in family. And I'm sure they knew I was hurting inside. But had they known how bad that hurt was, I'm sure they would have intervened before it ever got that far.
I thank God...Nothing but God. Even when I didn't think my own life mattered. He spared me and didn't let me go. As I sit here and think about it now, I just can't stop the tears from flowing down my face. Because I know I could've been dead and gone. And that just wouldn't have been fair to my family or my friends. They would've been left with questions. What they could've done and how they missed the signs. And really I don't want to hurt anyone that badly.
To my family and my friends, please accept this as my public apology. I will never, ever put you in a position where you will have to grieve for me in vain. Not because I took my own life. Its my promise to you if I ever feel myself slipping, I will call you. I won't hide anymore. I won't be afraid to speak up. I will never be so selfish that I will take my own life and leave ya'll here to pick up the pieces.
And if there is someone out there reading this that is struggling with the same issues. Please know that there is someone out there who loves you. Nothing in this world is worth taking your own life. Your friends love you, your family loves you. Don't be afraid to lean on them for support. Don't be afraid to cry, kick, scream, be angry. You have every right to feel the way you do. Don't shut out the people that love you the most. And most importantly don't be afraid to talk to God. He can fix anything you are facing.
Lastly I want to thank those who have stood by me through all of this. Words can't express how grateful I am. And I know that with friends and family like you, I can get through anything.
*no tears you guys, I think I've cried enough for all of us*