Dear Other Women...Sincerely, the Wives of America

What goes wrong in a woman's life that she thinks that she can stake claim to something that doesn't belong to her. In this case it would be someone  husband. Why would you want someone who had a nerve to up and leave their family. The thought of that is just unfathomable to me.

 The idea of borrowing or stealing another woman's man is unthinkable. And that's exactly why the other woman  such an object of fascination: Why does she do it? Does she want to get caught? How does it feel to be her?How do you lay in bed looking at that man knowing you are committing adultery. How can you consciously pray to God to do better things with your life when you are taking part in ripping someone's life apart? Who the hell are you to step in between the sanctity of marriage? How do you make that situation right in your mind?

Yes you may think you have it made now. The thrill of being with him makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. He's done things for you that no other man has, promises of marriage, leaving his wife behind blah blah freakin blah. Who cares! The facts remain he still belongs to someone else unless stated otherwise (ie. Divorce Papers). And if you have kids that just makes it even worse. Now you are teaching them it's ok to stake claim into something that's not yours. The worst kind of man to bring around your kids is the kind of man that don't even take care of his own. And for you to have chosen a man that is capable of leaving his family without a fight,is the most despicable choice you can ever make for yourself and your kids.

And please don't hit us with the famous other woman  line...""if you were treating him right, then he wouldn't be coming to me" Since when did it become YOUR concern How someone treats THEIR husband? Last time I checked, marriages don't get worked out by going off and jumping into bed with someone else.  No where in the marriage vows did it say "for better or until the other person gets tired of being married and finds another girl" And lets say you do work out and get married, how long will it take for you to get that late night phone call that he's screwing the next. See you aren't special. You're just a tool. You get the job done for the time you are around until he finds something, bigger, pretty and shiner to play with. Don't think it won't happen to you b/c it will.

And us wives can't  place all blame on you. No, because he had to seek you out in order for this affair to happen. We understand he painted us in the worst way possible.We're crazy, We  cheat,we're this we're  that. We get it. Most men do that when they are trying to reach the end game which in this case is your bed. But the minute he told you he was married. You had two choices: To walk away or to stay. And you decided to care only about you and stay. We understand you don't owe me a thing. But we also understand that you my dear are setting yourself for a fail. It may not happen tomorrow or next month but trust  when it hits you will know. And when it does, you'll finally understand what it feels like to be on this side of the fence. And it's our sincere hope that you fall flat on your face and when you look around, no one will be there to pick you up and dust you off letting you know it will be okay. Because it won't be. The moment you realize you have been used, abused and thrown away will be the day you realize 1/10th of how it felt to be us. Every tear, heartbreak, every single piece of pain you inflicted will come back to you ten fold. So enjoy the ride while it lasts sweetie....

And to the men who treat these women like pawns. Your day is coming too. Don't think you can keep playing with the lives of others and not suffer the consequence. The simple solution for you is not to get married. Stop lying, stop cheating. Stop playing these games. Stop making these women hate mankind in general because your behind wanted to play hopscotch with her heart. It's not cool. Stop bringing kids into the world if you don't intend on being with their mother's Its so simple to just live the life you want to live without breaking someone's heart in the process. It just breaks my heart to see all these broken families, single mothers, and scorned women because of what some man did. Don't take part in it. Stand out, be better, do better. Be the man your mother raised you to be. Stop with the nonsense.

In closing love isn’t a state of being, it changes, and it is sometimes situational at best – but it is marked by commitment and choice. It is a decision that may have to be made again and again, even with the same person.When times get hard (and they most certainly will) it's not the time to go seek solace into the arms of another woman. For better or worse wasn't put in vows just to be put there. It actually means for better or worse.


The 5 Stages of HeartBreak...

At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a limb, the demise of a marriage, even a lost friendship  can cause grief. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance. For the purpose of this blog I will outline these five stages using the example of heart break.

The Five Stages of Grief

 So its finally over. Only in your mind you just can't seem to wrap that concept up in your brain. You tell yourself "oh well we always fight like this" "he'll be back" "this isn't over". You allow yourself to think that "everything is going to be ok". When you knew a long time ago that this was a eventually going to happen. At this stage it's just easier not to deal with the truth of what's really going on and live in your fantasy land.

2 Anger
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt , or at the world, for letting it happen. She may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it. She may be mad at herself for not seeing that person for what he was. She may be mad at him for leading her on and sucking her into this fantasy that never existed. She's mad at every man that even did her wrong and blames everyone of those people, past and present, for her unhappiness. 

3. Bargaining
We've all said that pray at some point in our life. "God if you bring him back to me I promise..." or "God please give us another chance" or somethings it goes something like "God I hope you punish him for every wrong thing he's done and I promise if you destroy his life I will....". Whatever it was, you my friend have just tried to bargain with God. Which is totally normal. As I said, we've all did it at time or two.

4. Depression
 After you realize none of that stuff rarely ever works, the depression starts to set in. You star to feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath, your overcome with sadness and guilt. You start blaming yourself for everything that went so wrong.This stage is the hardest to come out of. Its like you just hate facing the world. Putting on a facade of "I'm ok" when deep down inside you just want to cry and cry some more.

5. Acceptance
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.When you can finally move on with your life and know you are going to be fine without him.

During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place. I'm guilty of holding all my feelings inside. Not because I don't think my friends care. But because I get tired of talking about the same things over and over. And I often feel like if I'm tired of talking about it, then they have to be tired of hearing it. Sharing my struggles is something I'm working on.

And as for me and my stage of this grief process....I'd say I go back and forth being anger and depression. I'm way past bargaining. I learned in church that it simply doesn't work the way we desire it to be. Dealing with a heartbreak as strong as the one I'm dealing with has pushed me to the limit. It has mad me feel some things that I just didn't know I could feel. Pain that I never knew existed. Sadness that I try to fight back everyday. Sometimes I just feel like a complete failure. I mean it's gotta be my fault that I couldn't keep my man happy. As ridiculous as this sounds, sometimes these things creep up in my mind. Even though I know there was nothing I could do to prevent this from happening. Its always that inkling of doubt that makes you wonder "what if there was?" This is where I find myself. And it's the nights like this I cry myself to sleep wondering why me? Why did this have to happen to me? And after all that, I tell myself "Felicia, stop it, go to bed and start over. Life isn't over because some man doesn't want you anymore my dear. Its okay to cry and feel bad for the moment but don't let that moment represent your whole life. Don't give him that control. You are beautiful, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. I can't guarantee that these will be the last tears you shed, but I do know for fact you still have your whole life ahead of you. So for today, think about everything that is right in your life, and give all your burdens to the Lord."

Then the next day, I start over....feeling a little a stronger than I felt yesterday.


Don't Be Afraid to Let Go

Sometimes it feels like you'll never get over the heartbreak and pain.

At least that's how it seems sometimes. You give your all to someone thinking that they are doing the same. Only to find out they don't value you as much as you thought they did. And after the breakup you go back and realize there were a lot of things wrong with your relationship that you chose to overlook or deny. You knew in your heart this isn't the way it's suppose to be. But you still press on in hopes things will change or get better. When the fact of the matter is you can't make him be what you want him to be. So why hold on? Why try?There's nothing wrong with believing in a man. But when you put your whole being into someone you know isn't gonna change then that's when the problem occurs.

We continue to open ourselves to men who are not deserving and we let that one man cloud our judgement about men in general. At some point we have to take responsibility for our own actions. That man you were with showed you who he was a long time ago yet you chose to ignore it in hopes he would "change". We've all done it, I've done it. We worry about him leaving us and finding someone else and giving her everything we ever wanted. When we should be understanding that we are worth more than "waiting for him to come around". It comes a point where we have to cut our loses and move on. Realize whatever he has that you like, God will giveyou a man 20x better. But as long as you hold on to the mess, you will never get what God has for you.

Don't let that one heartbreak rob you of your happiness.


Confronting the Other Woman..

So for the fifth time tonight his phone rings in the middle of the night. And as you lay there looking at the phone light up and vibrate you can't help but wonder who's on the other end of that phone. So you try to ignore it, then...the voice mails start coming...followed by the text messages. You keep telling yourself, you're not gonna do this again. You aren't gonna check his phone, read his text, or listen to those voice mails. Nope. You're better than that. Right....

1 Hour later....

You're in the bathroom...(yup we all done it) and we all know how this story plays out. You find out that your husband was suppose to go to her house after work. That he was suppose to take her out, she's wondering why he hasn't called, or my favorite..."I just wanted to tell you goodnight". And if you're lucky these texts and phone calls are usually followed by a set of breasts or ass filling up your husbands phone screen. And whether this is your first time or your 100th time going through this, the hurt is still the same.

Before you know it, you call this person. (from your husband's phone of course) and confront her. Now this scenario can play out a couple of ways...

1. She had no idea your husband was married and she gives up all the information. Being that she was in a similar situation before she'd never do anything like this knowingly.

2. She hears your voice and declines to answer any questions and hangs up.

3. She curses you out. Basically telling you to check your man and leave her the hell alone.

So with that being said, you have to ask yourself, is it even worth going through all that. I mean you already seen what you needed to see. Why even call her? Nine times out of ten she's not gonna give a damn anyhow. More importantly she probably already knew what the deal was and just didn't care. Its sad to say but there's a lot of women out here that would rather have what someone else has than get that thing on there on. In this case that thing would be your husband. If anything, the other woman should be trying to find out who YOU are. Not the other way around.  And again I stress if you don't have any intention of leaving, why put yourself through the stress of it all. Don't even bother confronting him. He's gonna lie point blank period. He could have the girl spread eagle on your kitchen floor and still find a way to get out of it.

So my verdict on confronting the other woman....NO! I mean even though I've done it quite a few times in the past, I wish I could take it back. Because I can bet money that she didn't give and damn and probably had a good laugh with her friends about it.  At the end of the day the commitment was made with him, not her. She really doesn't need to be concerned about how you feel. Even if she knew he was married. Its still not her problem. He's married to you. Not to say what she is don't is right, because it isn't. The best thing you can do for women like that is to pray for her and forgive her. Yup forgive her. Because as much as you say you don't care, you do. And in some ways its so much easier to blame the other woman for the problems you and your husband already had before she came along. Don't let her make you feel like any less of a woman because of what your man did.

When you confront the other woman you open yourself up to all kinds of emotions. Its kinda like a mini obsession. You want to know what she looks like, where she works, who her friends are, how she dress, etc. Subconsciously you start comparing yourself to her. And that can make even the strongest woman insecure. You can't help but wonder what made him choose her? When the facts is he would've chosen anyone who would give him the opportunity.

Bottom line if you choose to deal with it, take it up with your man.


Be Your Priority, Not His Option

I think Drake said it best in his lyrics for Show Me a Good Time.....

never would I let a woman come between
what we doing right now
this our dream

Bluntly put, soon or later a man will let you know where there priorities lie. If he was a club head when he met you, chances are he'll continue to be. If he likes to date different women, chances are he's not gonna stop just because he's with you. If he's a workaholic, he probably won't have time for a relationship. And really, there's nothing wrong with that. I mean if anything this should let you know where you fit into the equation early on. Whether you choose to ride it out will be totally up to you.

But here's the problem. While he's already showed you where his priorities lie. Why are you going out of your way to make him the center of your world. We are all guilty of it. We wait for his call and text messages. We cut off making plans with friends in hopes he may drop by or take you out. You cook and clean and do all the little things that he likes. You make it a point to memorize his favorite lyrics to a song or his favorite foods. We get totally wrapped up that we soon forget what our own priorities are and everything in our lives soon revolves around him. We want to do whatever it takes to make him happy.

But while you're doing that, ask yourself whens the last time he actually went out his way for you? Like really? Does he know what your dreams and aspirations are. Does he know what your favorite color is? Is he going out his way just to see how you are doing? I mean sure, all men are on their best behavior when you first meet him. But they can't keep that up forever. Pretty soon he's gonna show you just how important you really are to him. If a man truly wants you, no matter what is going on in his life, he will make sure you know how much you mean to him. He will make the time to get to know you. And even if he showing a lot of interest and looks like a good relationship candidate, that doesn't mean you just need to stop everything you were doing to appease him. More likely than not, they'll appreciate that you have a life of your own. Most men will tell you when a woman gets too clingy they usually back away. A man can't be everything you need. You got to have a healthy balance of family and friends somewhere in that mix.