Conditions of the Heart....

I hate pain. I don’t know too many people who like it. We will protect our knees with knee pads, our heads with helmets, put on bullet proof vests and what not….So with all that why is it we don’t take that same care and consideration with our hearts?  We treat them as if they are disposable. Like if it gets damage we can break the emergency glass and replace it with a brand new one.  Despite what you see on television, love does not hurt. Yet we allow ourselves to get stomped, crushed and prodded in that same area over and over again. And as time goes on the condition of the heart weakens. The resilience it once had starts to decline. To protect what little life it has, the walls start to build up, the chain is wrapped around it, and the padlock is set in place. We throw the key away, leaving it up to someone else to find a way to unlock it, break the chain, and tear the walls down on that sucker. The side effects of a broken heart may include, anger, sadness, bitterness and most dangerously….indifference.

One would think the condition of the heart would be one’s number one concern, after all, the heart shows people who you really are. Stop treating the most precious thing in your body as if it were waste. Exercise what you process in carefully. Minister to your heart daily. Throw away the unneeded baggage that keeps it heavy. And most importantly, stop letting other people play with it.

No band-aids needed.

The Misunderstood Single Mother

No one wants to be a single mother. No one. Yet it seems to be the norm in the world we live in today. Most of us probably felt like we knew the guy we were sleeping with. That he would never “do that to me”.  We couldn't fathom a guy that we chose to birth a child with could just walk away like that. Yet it happens.  Now not only are we faced with the financial burden of raising the child alone, we are also labeled by society. All of a sudden people are looking at you like it’s your fault that you find yourself in the position you’re in.  Now all of a sudden our very character and integrity is being attacked, we are labeled as whores, welfare junkies, angry and bitter. People tend to generalize and put us single moms in this one little box and we are a fit some certain criteria. When the fact is such generalizations are just quite frankly stupid.  Our circumstances and life situations differ. Not one story is exactly identical to the next. 

Quick personal observation….and rant….:

I've noticed that people feel like because you are raising a child on your own that is an open invitation to ask you all sorts of questions. Listen don’t ask me where my “babydaddy” is because quite frankly that is none of your business. If I don’t share the information with you, that pretty much means I don’t want to talk about it. And please don’t say to me “I don’t know how you do it because I just couldn't imagine being a single mom…..” that is not a compliment, not in the least bit. First of if you aren't in the position I’m in I don’t expect you to understand, so stop trying. Secondly, don’t be so quick to say what you can’t imagine yourself doing.  I’m pretty sure you have had many “ I would never” moments that turned into “well maybe just this once” experience and in an instant that one decision turned your life upside down.

But I digress.

I will say this for those who wonder how we can do what we do and not self destruct…..HELLO BECAUSE WE HAVE TO! Seriously who is gonna do it for us? For us who do this daily, the decision is a very easy one. Make a way or someone will do it for you. Which almost always means having your child snatched up and placed in some foster home where the people are in it just for the money. That may be an extreme example but we single moms tend to think about the worse of circumstances and try very hard to avoid them. Its hard for TWO parents these days to provide the daily necessities that their children need, can you imagine it is for one mother of one or multiple children? We sacrifice, go without, cry in our beds at night, and work crazy hours all for those little eyes that look at us with love, those little hearts that beat a beautiful sound of life, those little hands that grip our fingers ever so tightly, and those faces that can make everything so perfect in that moment. So before you judge us and our situation, how about you take a long look at what we do, what we sacrifice and what we fight for all in the sake of our children. I can bet whatever happened in that past that placed us in this situation will seem so minor to the things we are doing now….

….for the sake of our children.

Isolation....

Isolation....



Population me....

With all the things that have gone on in my life I have found that I often retreat into my own recesses of my mind and will cut off the outside world. The thing is I know I have people who genuinely love me and care about my well being. Yet when I find myself going through issues I often retreat....and that often means that I shut out the outside world....family...friends....everyone...

My mind tells me I don't want to be a burden upon those who love me. My heart tells me that I would be a dummy to trust anyone with my deepest thoughts. But my spirit tells me that I have people placed in my life so I don't have to go through my trials alone.  Yet I sit here in this room burdened with the troubles of my small world and will not reach out to anyone.

What will they say?
How will they react?

I truly want to break free of this bad habit. I want to be able to share my story with those close to me. And  I want to be able to share my story with the masses. But in order for me to do so I have to really take a step back and look at myself. What caused me to feel this way? What has happened during the course of my life that I have become so scared to share my inner thoughts?

When I figure that out then I can truly be what I am called to be in this world. I have to start somewhere and today is that day that I finally start seeking the answers I've been looking for. No matter how painful or uncomfortable those answers make me feel, the truth is the truth.

I don't want to live my life in isolation....

All Pain is Created Equal?

“Pain is Pain”

That was a status I saw about a week ago on Facebook. Upon looking at the comments under his status he finally explained what he meant when he said that. He basically feels like all pain is equal. It feels the same, it looks the same, and even though it comes for various aspects of our lives, when it’s all said and done pain is felt and it is the same all across the board.

Now on some small level, I can understand why he feels that way. Social media has exposed us to so many things; it’s hard to even feel some level of sympathy for our fellow man.  We see Facebook statuses of people pouring their hearts out and we automatically think they are “seeking attention”. We can see a woman frantically looking for her child in the mall and what do we do, we look and judge. “Well she should’ve been paying attention to her child” (true story by the way, saw this happen about a year ago). People in general can see someone else’s pain and not feel a thing.  We aren't required to think about what that particular person may actually be going through. And oh, God forbid they try to commit suicide. That is the ultimate act of desperation and attention seeking. And if they are successful in their attempt?  “Well that’s what they get”.  Then in the same breath we can watch TV shows where more sympathy is given to the mistress then the wife. We can cry for a celebrity’s death, but we won’t even say hi to our next door neighbor. We are to have sympathy for ALL people, not just the ones that we think matter.

Let me tell you something about pain….

Pain causes people to stop believing in love, people, and themselves. Pain can rip a family apart. Pain can break marriages. Pain can ruin friendships. Pain will make you angry. Pain will make you feel lonely. Pain will isolate you. Pain will keep you in complete darkness. Pain will assassinate your very being. Pain creates drug addicts, alcohol abusers, obesity, anorexia, suicide….. Listen, if pain were that superficial then we should just be able to put a little ointment on it, slap a band-aid around and “kiss” it all better.  We can overcome pain but I can tell you it’s much easier to overcome that pain with a good support system around you. God didn't intend for us to go through things alone. And for some people, the social media may be all they have to reach out to others. So instead of writing them off as attention seekers, take some time to find out what the underlying issues is. Send them a kind word, write them an encouraging message, offer to exchange phone numbers, invite them to church. The worse thing they can say to you is no.  The bottom line is that we have to start showing my compassion for our fellow man.  Put yourself in the shoes of the one that is grieving. More importantly, think about the last thing you had to go through something by yourself. Think about how much easier it would've been if you had a support system to help you through it. And most importantly, think about the pain you felt.

Didn't feel too good did it?

The Most Overused Word in Social Media....

Don’t hate….

Shouts out to my haters….

He’s a hater….

She’s a hater….

The Dog’s a hater…

I mean seriously?  I can’t log on Facebook or any other social media site without someone talking about so called haters.  The use and misuse of this word has just gotten totally out of hand. Like seriously, I don’t think that people sit around and have national conferences about the comings and goings of your life.  So I would dare say that most people who think they have haters are delusional at best. Some people’s need for attention is so severe that they rather make up invisible enemies than to go out and actually get a life.  Then you have those who like to boast about all the hater’s they have. “You hater’s won’t steal my shine.” Uh….WRONG! Because now I’m sitting here trying to figure out who you could possibly be talking about. Who is this hater you speak of? A former friend?  A girl who looked at you wrong in Wal-mart? Who? Inquiring minds want to know. “Hater’s are my motivators” Oh really? So “haters” motivate you to get up out of bad and do something with your life? I’m confused; do you have a camera crew following you around documenting your every move? Is your life a movie?  I mean sure, in all fairness I’m sure there are people out here who have haters. But you don’t usually hear talk about those people. Why? Because they are busy enjoying the life they have with the people they love. Why spend an ounce of energy on people who don’t care about you. Pray for their success and keep it moving.

So the conclusion I've come up with is this…..maybe it isn't so much that “people” hate on you. Maybe deep down inside you hate yourself.  I've noticed that most people who put up these anti-hate messages are the same ones who tend to be half naked posing in some provocative manner.  That’s a big red flag to me. That says to me that you are seeking some type of validation through social media. You are longing for acceptances somewhere. Well a couple of men commenting and gawking at your photos isn't going give you the validation you seek. In the end I would ask that you take a real long hard look at yourself. Ask yourself what’s wrong, talk it out. Be honest. Was that friend you called a hater really trying to give you some good advice? Was the girl at Wal-mart looking at you crazy because you had all your assets on display? And finally, do you really have that many haters? Most of us don’t. We are just regular ordinary people. And guess what? There isn't anything wrong with that! 

No One Cares....Until It Happens to Them

You see yet another homeless man on the corner for the hundredth time holding up that cardboard sign “begging” for something. Whether it is money or food, you don’t care. You don’t even bother to read the sign. All you see is a man holding a sign asking for a hand out. You may feel like he can work and make a decent living just like anyone else right? After all this is America the land of opportunity. Little do you know that on this particular day, that man standing on the corner has a wife and a family of three living in a rundown motel room. He only has enough money to keep them there for a week. After 25 years of working for the same company, he was laid off due to budget cuts. Well prepared for this, the family lives of the emergency savings until he find another job. He managed to save enough money to live off of for a year. After filling out countless job applications and going to interviews week after week he has yet to receive a call back. A year later he still finds himself unemployed and looking for work. Before long the bills start piling up as the emergency savings fund gets smaller and smaller. Pretty soon he isn't able to make the mortgage payment so their house goes into foreclosure. He moves his family into a motel. With no other means to make money, he decides to swallow his pride. “Father of three, laid off from job, a week away from being homeless, please help” is what’s written on his cardboard sign.  As he stands there with his cardboard sign, people begin to scream and belittle him. “Get a job!” seems to be the most popular phrase of the day. He’s taunted, mocked, and even spit on. To the outside world he is a man holding a cardboard sign trying to make an easy buck. At the end of the day the man packs up his cardboard sign and heads back to his motel room. He counts what little money he did get. $15.61. As he looks as his wife and children sleeping in the bed, tears start to stream down his cheeks. And as the sun sets, he looks out his window, looks up to the sky he prays this one simple prayer….”Lord please help me”.

The sad thing is no one cares….

Until it happens to them.

We've all heard the story before of boy meets girl. First comes love, then comes marriage, then come the baby in the baby carriage. The only problem is the happily ever after never came. After yet another argument, she finds herself alone in her bed. He’s been gone for three days now. But she’s not worried; in fact she is use to this kind of treatment. For her this was normal. He’s made her feel insecure and unwanted. She knows he is cheating but is afraid to leave.  Not to mention he has hit her on more than one occasion.  He taunts her about her weight as she puts on her clothes in the morning. “You look disgusting” he says. She holds back the tears until she can get to her car. And on the way to work she cries and she cries. The girls constantly ring his phone at all hours of the night. She tries to keep them at bay but it seems when one disappears, two more pop up.  The girls know that she is the wife, yet they don’t care. In fact they make they often joke about how dumb the wife is during their girl talk sessions. With no one else to go, she tries to reach out for help, but it seems her friends are too busy to even notice. Her friends seem happy so she doesn't want to be a burden. She tries to go to her family, but all they do is tell her “I told you so”. The only solace she finds is with a bottle of liquor and some sleeping pills.  She tries to remember who she was before she met her husband but that’s all a blur. She doesn't remember the last time she has smiled or experienced true joy. Fed up with life, she takes her Bible, that bottle of liquor, and those sleeping pills into the bathroom. She opens up her Bible, reads a couple of scriptures through bloodshot eyes. She looks at herself in the mirror and doesn't know who the girl is that is staring back at her. Finally she says this final prayer….”God if I’m worth saving….save me” as she downs half a bottle of pills. As she slowly slips away…..

The sad thing is no one cares…..

Until it happens to them.

The message is clear….. I think it’s time we step off our island (population 1) and really take a look around at the world around us. It’s time to start paying attention. Pay attention to the people that are around you. Listen to the words they are saying. So many cry out for help but it goes unnoticed because we are so wrapped up in our problems and issues. We only care when things happen to us. We are so focused on what we got going on that we “don’t have time” to entertain the next persons problems.  We think helping someone always involves money. But I can tell you personally, a kind word, a hug, and a listening ear can go a long way. Once the money is gone, it’s gone, but the kind words that a person ingrains in your heart can last a lifetime. That cliché “it’s the little things” is a powerful statement because it’s truly those gestures of kindness that can change a person’s life forever.

The Misconception of Forgiveness….

When you believe in something and someone so much only to be let down over and over again...I mean just when you think it just couldn't get any worse, it does, and it's nothing you could ever fathom or imagine. But you continue to believe in hopes that one day change will come soon. Each time that person asks you to “forgive” them and each time you do. And as you hug that person, you know and they know that the behavior may be modified for a quick second, but they don’t change. They just find a more clever way to get away with it. The question is if you know and they know they aren't really going to change, then did you really forgive them? I mean think about it for a moment. If you still find yourself checking behind that person to make sure they are keeping their word then what did you actually forgive?

 Most people believe when you forgive someone, you put yourself at risk of being hurt again. Why? Because most people believe if you can forgive them then that person must deserve a second chance. People often get the two mixed up. You can give a person 20 million second chances yet never really forgive them. We say we forgive but a week later we find ourselves sitting in the bathroom checking that person’s phone, searching through that person’s car, asking why it took them 30 minutes to get home from work when it should’ve taken 15 minutes. What kind of forgiveness is that? The thing is what most people call forgiveness is really a second chance to “get it right”. And those twenty times that person asks for your forgiveness was really a “please place your hopes in me up on this chopping block so I can butcher them again”. So because we do this over and over and over again, our hearts become conditioned to grow colder and harder. Then either two things happen… that person leaves you…or you leave them. Either way the damage has been done. Now you are cold, distant and bitter. Your perception of love has been tainted so you keep everyone at arm’s length. The fact of the matter is if you really forgave the person as you said you did, you would have done so and let them go.

Yeah as in break up….

The thing about forgiveness is this….it’s less about the person you are forgiving and more about setting yourself free. If you know that this person is going to continue to do these bad behaviors then why not forgive and just cut your losses before it becomes collateral damage. There’s nothing wrong with loving and believing in a person, however if they have already proven that they aren't going to change then why waste your precious time? Love them from a distance, pray for them and continue on with your life.  I’m not saying that no one deserve second chances….not at all. In fact we all do, that’s why Jesus died on our behalf. But we aren't Jesus….you don’t have to die on the behalf of someone else. In other words, staying in a destructive relationship will eventually make you self destruct. It comes a point in time where we have to exercise some common sense when it comes to our own well being. Besides the last time I checked forgiveness never killed anybody…..

Love Doesn't Hurt....So Why are You Hurting?

It’s taken me thirty years, a couple of heart breaks, breakdowns, breakouts, crying screaming, yelling, bitterness, anger, resentment towards men……..to realize that love doesn't hurt. For whatever reason many people like myself have equated love to pain. If it doesn't hurt, it isn't true authentic love. We confuse the downright wrong relationship deal breakers with everyday normal trials that couples go through.  Love should never be disrespectful or deceitful. I don’t care how many good qualities the other person has.  Being cheated on, lied to constantly, manipulated, used, abused, degraded, and demeaned. Is not love my friend. Being the other woman/man isn't love, someone only being available you at three in the morning isn’t love, having to fight over women for the love of a man isn't love. None of it is love. Love is pretty simple. There isn't anything complicated about it….But we will talk about it later. This very revelation was confirmed to me today while watching a clip on YouTube of this show called Scandal who every woman in America seems to be oh so crazy about. There is this one scene where the main character, Olivia has been proposed to by this man twice, twice she accepted the proposal, and twice she gave the ring back. So in this scene he is basically asks her why she doesn't want the life he wants to give her. I mean after all he’s a successful Senator, never been married, no baby mama, strong, good looking, and very ambitious. You know the type of man women pray for. And here we have Olivia who is in a relationship with a man who is married who has constantly time and time again broken her heart. So I mean to the naked eye the choice seems to be very clear. Available single man vs. unavailable married man. No brainer. This is where the story gets real twisted…..She turns him down. In this grandiose speech about love she says and I quote:

“I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love……

Girl…Girl….GET.A.LIFE…..

Okay so let’s break this down for a minute. So you want painful love? Come here so I hit you with this “love tap” right across your head. And when you ask me why I hit you I’ll just smile and say “because I love you girl!” You want your love to be difficult….as if life isn't difficult a by itself self. You want to see difficult….go down to your local hospital and look into the eyes of a cancer patient who was just told she has three months to live….go to a homeless shelter and observe a mother and her two children clinging on for dear life because she finally decided her husband wasn't going to hit her anymore….better yet go to the millions of homes in America who are a paycheck away from being in foreclosure, knee deep in debt.  You want your love to be devastating….*rolls eyes*.  So you want your love to look like the events that took place in Oklahoma ….a natural disaster. You want your love to mimic the events of 9/11…a state of emergency. Or maybe you want your love to look like the event’s that took place in Sandy Hook….An American Tragedy. What is this a soap opera? 

You want something life changing….How about believing on the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life…..I’m just sayin’. You want extraordinary love….I don’t know a love more extraordinary that that guy who was accused , beaten, mocked, spitted on, made to carry his own cross, bound, nailed, and left for dead….uh what was his name again….oh yeah that would be Jesus. If your current love situation is painful, difficult, and devastating….ask yourself why. Why would you think this is what is suppose to be like. Why are you still putting up with it, is it because you don’t want to be alone? Are you worried about what your friends or family or going to say. Or perhaps you want your child to have both parents so you suffer so to give him/her a “better life.” Can I tell you there is absolutely no excuse to stay in a situation that is emotionally, mentally and physically damaging to your health. NO REASON. If you want to experience something extraordinary and life changing I heard that there was this really good book full of life, truth and infinite wisdom. And I bet He’s been sitting around just waiting for you to open it. You got to go find out for yourself. I can tell you how valuable you are until I’m blue in the face. You won’t know the truth until you seek it.  So turn of your IPod and stop listening to that silly little sad love song that has been on repeat for the last three days and pick up your Bible so you can know what love truly looks like.

DIY Offenders: Stop Trying to Fix Him!

In the midst of me reading the previous blog I posted I had a self revelation.  Here’s my confession, one of the main reasons why I remained in relationships that I obviously knew weren't good for me was the simple fact that I could mold and change my significant other into the person I really wanted him to be. I know someone out here in the internet world can relate. We women in general have a bad habit of thinking and believing that we can “fix" a man.  As if we can take a screwdriver, take the screws that hold his skull intact, move some wiring around in his brain and BOOM perfection! PFFT!  I mean seriously we think we can lull him into submission with our feminine wiles and so called bag of tricks. We cook him good meals, wash his dirty clothes, and listen to his daily problems, so called dreams and aspirations.  We know he isn't worth a pot to piss in, but we hold on to that ONE quality that makes him oh so desirable. Forget that he cheats, forget that he doesn't have any real goals, forget that he is content on living off your dime….nah forget all that because he’s keeps you warm at night…okay girl. So because of that ONE good thing we remain loyal and supportive in the hope that he one day will “get his act together”. 

  I mean sure, if you think about it he probably would get his ACT together for a little while. He will play the role of a lifetime that would even make Victor Newman jealous….Soap Opera role at its finest hour.  He will ACT interested, he will ACT like he hears your concerns, he will ACT like he cares, and yes he will ACT like a changed man. He will do all of this just to get you off his back and keep you around.   But just like any long out and drawn out story line, it eventually gets tired, dry and boring.  The problem with acting is eventually the cameras stop rolling, the bright lights fade and he eventually gets tired of playing that role. Next thing you know he’s on to the next script…that probably has a new female lead.  And what you left with?  A laundry bag of clean clothes that he is one his way to pick up, a hot meal wrapped up into a to go plate, a bag full of tricks tucked away under the bed, a very real broken heart….and no man. In other words you have a whole bunch of props but no supporting cast.

Sigh…..

 Listen, there is only one you and because there is one you that makes YOU a beautiful creation. God didn't put you here to be treated like an extra in some acting role, you are your OWN leading lady. Let me drop this Gem on you, in 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV) it says that “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” In other words you don't have to be fake. You don't have the greatest and latest clothes, expensive jewelry and fancy hairdo's You don' have to have the image of the "perfect" man either to validate who you are either.Not to sound all preachy and cliché but when you figure out who you are in Christ, there is no way a man or anyone for that matter can treat you like dirt. You are an asset to the world. You just didn't fall on the face of this Earth by circumstance. You have purpose. And messing with these people who aren't meant to do anything but delay your purpose need to be removed from your life ASAP. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Being alone doesn't equal being lonely. Go out, do something with your life. I’m sure you have friends and family that you can hang out with. Get out there a live a lot ( not a little J).  God knows the desires of your heart, he knows what you want. It’s not your job to go out there and find it….HELLO that’s why he’s GOD and we are HIS children. He already has that handled. Be patient that man will find his good thing in you when its right. 

Relationship Offenders

In relationship, as much as we try to avoid it, we usually date the same type of person. Chances are everyone you've dated or dealt with have something in common with each other. Seriously, think about the people you've dated, and I bet you can find that one thing that links them together. Much like our friendships, we choose those people that seem safe and familiar. This is how we find ourselves in unhealthy, dead end, worthless, and often just downright stupid relationships.  We don’t even give ourselves a second to breathe before we jump into a new relationship.  I’ll use myself as an example….

My freshman year in college (2001) I dated a guy who by all accounts was very controlling and mentally abusive.  I didn't see that at first because, like must men, he was on his best behavior.  As the relationship progressed, he would start to mention little things about my appearance, who my friends were, how late I stayed out the night before etc….Me not knowing any better I started to conform to his demands. Of course the demands just got more ridiculous and more demeaning. It got to the point where I couldn't even look him in the eye. If I did that was a sign of disrespect. And along with all of this he cheated on me. I remember catching him kissing a girl in front of my dorm and instead of going out there to confront him; I just walked in the opposite direction. I was actually afraid that he would see me and somehow I would be blamed for what he did.  Eventually that mental abuse turned physical. It took my mom and my friends to finally convince me to let that relationship go. But by them the damage had been done and would affect me for years.

This set the stage for a series of relationships that all pretty much ended like this one.  They didn't all end with physical abuse but they all ended with me carrying some type of emotional scare. And instead of being along and letting that scar heal properly, I often ripped that band-aid off and jumped right in a new relationship. This why it’s so easy for the person being hurt to blame the other party for their  heartbreak not even realizing that they are the common denominator. I’m not saying that what has happened to the "victim" is their fault, not at all. But we are responsible for choosing the people we decide to date and marry, aren't we? I mean if we really and I mean really evaluated the person we see ourselves potentially being with. If we were honest about the flaws we ignore, the things we really don’t like but put up with. If we really did an authentic assessment of the relationships we find ourselves in, I would dare say that we would think twice about the guy with the six pack abs or the girl with the dreamy eyes. We wouldn't get so caught up in that physical. And let’s face it, when people start showing you qualities that you don’t like, they just don’t seem that attractive anymore anyway. But by then we feel like because we've invested so much time, we are obligated to “make it work”. Listen, I don’t know about you. I’m not a remote, you can’t change my batteries and  VIOLA I work again. You can’t change my channel to something you feel is more desirable, and you certainly can’t cut me off when I say something you don’t like. If I have to try to “make something work” relationship wise I don’t want it. I understand that in relationships both parties have to put forth some effort to have a successful union. But you can’t force something that doesn't belong.

Most importantly, we should start doing a self evaluation. Find out who we are, what we like, what we are willing to put up with and what things are total deal breakers.  Be honest with yourself. No one knows what’s on your list, so you can’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Once we make that checklist, we have to stick to it. There is no need to make the list not stick to it. That defeats the purpose and you can easy find yourself back in the same type of relationships you are trying to get out of. At the same time, don’t make your list so hard and so detailed that no one can measure up.  For most, dating is a process we go through so we can find a potential mate and eventually marry. So why not take the process seriously.  If that means you are alone for the time being then so be it. There is so much to this world than being attached to another human being. Companionship is one a small piece of the many wonders and splendors that God has given us. So while you wait for that special someone….go get a life why don’t you. J

Two Years Later....

Wow. It’s been about two years since I've updated this blog. To be quite honest,  I kind of forgotten about it. It wasn't until I was having a conversation with two good friends of mine that it dawned on me that this blog is still floating out there in the internet world.  After reading a couple of entries, I was encouraged to take a stab at this blogging thing again. I had my reservations about this because this meant I would have open up again, which these days haven’t been so easy for me. In fact when I started this blog, it was originally intended to chronicle my life after my divorce and to help others out who may be going through similar situations. But as life would have it….it got a hold of me in its relentless grip. I felt weak, unworthy, depressed, isolated and most of all, like a big fat hypocrite. I mean how am I going to give advice about how to get through situations when I don’t even know how to get out of my own mess? So I let the blog go and never gave it a second thought. It wasn't until a couple months prior to me coming back to the blog that I was encouraged to write again. So I started to, I kept this notebook with me everywhere I went. Anytime I thought about something worth putting into words, I wrote it down. And I must say it was some pretty good stuff. But yet again, I just didn't feel comfortable sharing. So back to the present, I made promise to my friends that I would give this another shot.  In fact I made this promise some weeks ago and have failed to produce anything. I have sat down at this laptop and have made a couple of attempts to write and failed. I just wasn't in it. I didn't “feel” it. Then today as a sat here mindlessly scrolling to Facebook, it dawned on me to just be me. Just start writing. It doesn't have to be anything profound or life changing. Just break the rut I find myself in and see what my fingers produce. So here I am writing, with no particular topic in mind. So I decided that this would be a great opportunity to reintroduce myself and kind of give a brief rundown of where I am at this present time.

Life has been hard. Life has dealt me some blows. As I said before, I felt like the grip on my life was tight and suffocating. I have fought so hard to get where I am now. I have fought the spirit of depression like my life depended on it.  And at those times I feel worthless, it took all my strength to even get on my knees and pray about it. And when praying just wasn't cutting it, I just sat in the dark as I allowed God to pick my parts of my brain and minister to me even though I refused to talk to him.  Life has been interesting. Life has giving me some really hard lessons. Some of them I got right away….some are still being worked one…and some I still to this day don’t understand. God has placed some pretty interesting people in my life. Some of them just downright scare me honestly. It’s as if they have been watching my reality show that is my life for these 30 years. They know things about me that I have shared with no one. It isn't fun to have someone tell you about yourself.  That things called conviction is very real, and if you aren't careful you can find yourself rebelling against the very thing that is meant for you to here. But I digress. Life has been sad. So sad to the point where I just refuse to cry about it. I mean it takes a lot out of me to shed tears. To the point of complete exhaustion.  The refusal to cry is something new for me. I use the cry at a drop of a hat. Now….I just feel all cried out. Quite frankly, I just get tired of crying about the same things so I just don’t do it. Don’t get me wrong, I still cry. In fact I cried today at church. But it’s almost like a process. Like a spirit of stubbornness is sitting right there in my tear ducts clogging them bad boys up saying “not today you won’t.  I have a lot to say on this subject, but I will save it for another time once I've processed through it.  But most of all life has been full of joy and happiness. Through my suffering God has given me great lifelong friends.  I highlight this because for a long time I felt so trapped and alone. I felt like no one can relate to me. It was a time in my life where I sought change and I knew for that to happen, I needed to have a good support system. So for a while I dealt with things alone. I didn't go out, I didn't know how to have fun without doing the old things I use to do so I just stayed home. And when I did go out….I just didn't feel like I fit in more. I felt like I was just out there floating in space.  An outcast is what I felt like, and no one likes feeling like the one that doesn't belong. As I started seeking God, I prayed for people He can place in my life that I could be me around. He not only gave me one, he gave me another that never really left, one that is just totally opposite and no one I ever saw myself being friends with. It’s funny how God works that way really. And when I look at them, I just know that these people are going to be my lifelong God given friends. Through my friends I have really found my joy. We each have our strengths and weakness but as a whole we are complete….This God given friendship didn't just happen upon us. It was already settled in the heavens that this would happen at the right place and at the right time. Knowing that I no longer have to go through my issues alone is such a relief. And even in my worst of times and circumstances….they love me anyway.

Dedicated to Tanja, Kenny, and Amber….You inspire me daily. I love you!