Wow. It’s been about two years since I've updated this blog. To be quite honest, I kind of forgotten about it. It wasn't until I was having a conversation with two good friends of mine that it dawned on me that this blog is still floating out there in the internet world. After reading a couple of entries, I was encouraged to take a stab at this blogging thing again. I had my reservations about this because this meant I would have open up again, which these days haven’t been so easy for me. In fact when I started this blog, it was originally intended to chronicle my life after my divorce and to help others out who may be going through similar situations. But as life would have it….it got a hold of me in its relentless grip. I felt weak, unworthy, depressed, isolated and most of all, like a big fat hypocrite. I mean how am I going to give advice about how to get through situations when I don’t even know how to get out of my own mess? So I let the blog go and never gave it a second thought. It wasn't until a couple months prior to me coming back to the blog that I was encouraged to write again. So I started to, I kept this notebook with me everywhere I went. Anytime I thought about something worth putting into words, I wrote it down. And I must say it was some pretty good stuff. But yet again, I just didn't feel comfortable sharing. So back to the present, I made promise to my friends that I would give this another shot. In fact I made this promise some weeks ago and have failed to produce anything. I have sat down at this laptop and have made a couple of attempts to write and failed. I just wasn't in it. I didn't “feel” it. Then today as a sat here mindlessly scrolling to Facebook, it dawned on me to just be me. Just start writing. It doesn't have to be anything profound or life changing. Just break the rut I find myself in and see what my fingers produce. So here I am writing, with no particular topic in mind. So I decided that this would be a great opportunity to reintroduce myself and kind of give a brief rundown of where I am at this present time.
Life has been hard. Life has dealt me some blows. As I said before, I felt like the grip on my life was tight and suffocating. I have fought so hard to get where I am now. I have fought the spirit of depression like my life depended on it. And at those times I feel worthless, it took all my strength to even get on my knees and pray about it. And when praying just wasn't cutting it, I just sat in the dark as I allowed God to pick my parts of my brain and minister to me even though I refused to talk to him. Life has been interesting. Life has giving me some really hard lessons. Some of them I got right away….some are still being worked one…and some I still to this day don’t understand. God has placed some pretty interesting people in my life. Some of them just downright scare me honestly. It’s as if they have been watching my reality show that is my life for these 30 years. They know things about me that I have shared with no one. It isn't fun to have someone tell you about yourself. That things called conviction is very real, and if you aren't careful you can find yourself rebelling against the very thing that is meant for you to here. But I digress. Life has been sad. So sad to the point where I just refuse to cry about it. I mean it takes a lot out of me to shed tears. To the point of complete exhaustion. The refusal to cry is something new for me. I use the cry at a drop of a hat. Now….I just feel all cried out. Quite frankly, I just get tired of crying about the same things so I just don’t do it. Don’t get me wrong, I still cry. In fact I cried today at church. But it’s almost like a process. Like a spirit of stubbornness is sitting right there in my tear ducts clogging them bad boys up saying “not today you won’t. I have a lot to say on this subject, but I will save it for another time once I've processed through it. But most of all life has been full of joy and happiness. Through my suffering God has given me great lifelong friends. I highlight this because for a long time I felt so trapped and alone. I felt like no one can relate to me. It was a time in my life where I sought change and I knew for that to happen, I needed to have a good support system. So for a while I dealt with things alone. I didn't go out, I didn't know how to have fun without doing the old things I use to do so I just stayed home. And when I did go out….I just didn't feel like I fit in more. I felt like I was just out there floating in space. An outcast is what I felt like, and no one likes feeling like the one that doesn't belong. As I started seeking God, I prayed for people He can place in my life that I could be me around. He not only gave me one, he gave me another that never really left, one that is just totally opposite and no one I ever saw myself being friends with. It’s funny how God works that way really. And when I look at them, I just know that these people are going to be my lifelong God given friends. Through my friends I have really found my joy. We each have our strengths and weakness but as a whole we are complete….This God given friendship didn't just happen upon us. It was already settled in the heavens that this would happen at the right place and at the right time. Knowing that I no longer have to go through my issues alone is such a relief. And even in my worst of times and circumstances….they love me anyway.
Dedicated to Tanja, Kenny, and Amber….You inspire me daily. I love you!