My Addiction

Sidebar: I'm really going to do better about updating this blog. I have a lot of things on my mind, but second guess myself when I it comes time to discuss it. No more of that, I've shared a piece of my world with you guys thus far so it's time to go all the way in.

When I love someone. It's very hard for me to let that person go. I've been through this scenario a couple time. Each time is harder than the previous one. Now I find myself in this position yet again. Only this time is different because I'm married (on the brink of divorce). Everything possible that can happen in a marriage that's unhealthy has happened to me, to us. Yet I still hold on to the hope that we will be together someday.

Last week I went on a mini outing with two of my girlfriends. Right before we headed back home, we had a heart to heart about some things about my life and where I was in terms of how I felt about my relationship with him and my child. All of a sudden i started crying. Something that I never really do in front of them. I didn't say much, but I felt like they knew what was bothering me. For me that moment said a lot. it let me know that 1. I didn't have to pretend that I was ok. and 2. I have a great support system willing to listen. and 3.that I don' have to be ashamed of loving someone despite the circumstances.

But jumping back to the point of this...

Today I thought about that conversation and realized that I'm addicted to the thought of being loved. No matter how bad that love is for me, I just wanted someone to love me. For a split second I was actually willing so sacrifice my happiness for the approval of a man who really didn't know my worth. To think about it, for me to put up with so much for so long I didn't know my worth either. I let him do these things to me with no consequence at all. I have to blame myself for some of the things that went on in our marriage.

For better or for worse....I am a strong believer in this. After all I am still married, and we are going through the absolute worse thing we can be going through. I mean honestly, I can't say I wouldn't take him back if and only if he came back completely changed. It may sound stupid to some, but I have always been a firm believer in marriage. Once you got married, it was forever. However, this does not mean I won't move on with my life. I no longer hold on to the fantasy of him coming back. If that happens then I will deal with it then. As of now, I will continue to push forward and make a better life for myself and my child. I will not let my feelings bind me. I will give all my hopes, dreams, and thoughts to God. He will provide the answers I seek and will put my life in order. No longer will I let someone control me. And no longer will I be addicted to love of a common man.

I want to send a special thank you to my friends who have been sticking this thing out with me since the beginning. Know that you are appreciated and loved. And I look forward to sharing my triumphs with you. Its not over till God says its over, and I will keep fighting until I have my victory. God Bless.


We can't be Friends

Can we be friends....

Time and time again, women make the mistake of thinking they can be friends with their ex boyfriends or ex husbands. Instead of healing from the heartbreak, in an attempt to try to hold on to him, you try to play the friend card. And that is only setting yourself up for the ultimate fail.

The thing is men move on much quicker than women do. He can break up with you today and be with someone else by next week. That's just how men are built. At least most of them anyway. Women, we tend to hold on and hope that he'll come back, that hell "come to his senses". And that's when that friend card comes into play. We sit in the background in hopes that he will see that he really did mess up a good thing.

Being friends with an ex in most cases will set you up for heart break over and over again. It's not enough that you have to get over him, now you are watching him move on with another person. Why even put yourself through that torture? Even if you have kids with him, that doesn't mean that you have to share the most intimate  details with your life. Its possible to have good relationship with the father of your child without having to be his friend. Chances are he's only keeping you around for convince. And if i need to spell it out for you, chances are he knows you are easy sex when no one else is putting out. Sad but it's true. For you that's a dangerous game to play.

Bottom line is you have to let him go. As hard as it may be you have to. Trying to be friends only hurts you in the long run. Especially if you aren't quite over him. Don't talk to him, don't tell him about your day, don't tell him how you feel. And if you have kids, limit the conversation to the kids and nothing else.   He he left you, know that he isn't coming back. And trust being friends with him isn't gonna change his mind about you. He is who he is. And you can't change that.