Say No to "Chilling"

There have been many conversations exchanged between me and my friends when it comes to finding a good quality mate. And I find the number one problem most women of our generation seem to have is finding a man that is willing to go through the process of getting to know the woman. So the question is what happened to actually dating someone? These days we have things completely backwards. What use to be a “dinner and a move with a possible god night kiss at the end of the date” has turned into a “let's chill at my crib which leads to sex followed by breakfast in the morning.” What made it okay for we a women to give up the most valuable part of ourselves so fast? More importantly, when did “chilling” become an acceptable first date anyhow? Listen I'm a simple woman who likes simple things. A guy doesn't have to take me to a 5 star restaurant. I know times are hard. All I'm saying is if a man is going to ask you out on a date, don't you think you are worth the effort? A walk in the park is free, having a picnic is free, going to a museum is free....there are so many things that don't require money that he can do with you. Say no to “chilling”....at least for the first couple of dates. That will give you the opportunity to get to know who you are dealing with.


If I don't give him what he wants he might leave”

Andddd....if you give him what he wants, he might leave anyway.


What I won't do another woman will”

Okay well by all means let her do it. How does what she will do for him effect you? If he is that impatient that he will go and get another women to fulfill his immediate needs, that should show you what he really wanted you for in the first place.


I want him to like me”

Sex doesn't mean he likes you, it means you a giving him the temporary satisfaction he is looking for right now.


I don't feel like I can do any better”

Well if you feel that why you shouldn't be dating in the first place.

Whatever the excuse is....they are just that excuses. We shouldn't have to compromise our standards in order to keep a man. Stop giving your power away to a man you just met. If he can't except the fact that you don't want to sleep with him so be it. You are still awesome. There are plenty of guys out here that are awaiting to meet someone as great as yourself. Sex doesn't not determine your value. Your were already valuable stepping in. Don't be afraid to tell him no, the worst thing that can happen is that he never calls again. If he likes you, let him prove it. Speak your mind, own your words and speak the truth. You are responsible for your life....own it. Lastly don't be afraid of getting it wrong. We aren't always going to be right about the guy we are dating. That doesn't mean you should give up. Someone will appreciate how wonderful you are and what you have to offer.


Freedom: My Natural Hair Story

The day I condemned myself to hair slavery was the day I picked up my first pack of remy hair. On that day I was transformed into a new person. Admittedly I liked that person that started back at me. That person with long flowing locks down her back, curls blowing freely in the wind. The way the men looked at me anywhere I went. Weave made me feel powerful.  It didn't take long for weave to become an obsession, I could even call it a habit. A very expensive habit. $300 for weave $150 for the install, for the price of looking good It was worth every penny.  All the while I neglected my own hair underneath. In fact, aside from my stylist and a few close friends, no one saw my real hair for years.  I was completely brainwashed into what I thought was beauty. If I didn't a weave installed, I was either hiding in my room, on my way to the salon, or on my way to the beauty supply store. If I didn't have enough money for a weave, I wore a wig. Anything not to show what I that was ugly underneath

It wasn't until I lost my job that I was forced to take a long good hard look at my hair. Being that I didn't have the luxury of getting my hair done anymore, I had to do my own. I was completely horrified at what I saw.  My hair was dry, brittle and almost matted. My edges were on their way to being non existent. My ends were split and my scalp had small sores. The only bright side to all of this was I accidentally became a natural again. Years of not perming my hair and installing weaves had returned my hair back to its natural state.

My first instinct was to slap a perm in it and call it a day. But I decided against it mainly because of the fragile state my hair was already in. So for the first time in years I was forced to deal with my natural hair. I can honestly say I hated every waking moment of it. I cried, I felt ugly and grew increasingly insecure. I very seldom left the house in fear of being laughed at and mocked. Again I was made prisoner...again I was a slave to my hair....this time because I didn't have the weave to hide my true self.

I can't say what one moment turned it around for me. I just knew that I was tired of living in the shadow missing out on life because of my hair. So I began to educate my self on natural hair and finally began to embrace what I was born with in the first place.   Under that matted mess I created grew some amazingly beautiful hair.  I was finally free....more importantly, I began to see me for who I truly was.   I finally broke the invisible chains of what I thought was beautiful and realized I am beautiful already.  And that is my personal freedom.


Then Vs Now

“I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Those words echo off into the distance as if it were some type of dream. Instantly your mind wonders back to the time they you first met him. Everything seems so vivid, so real. You remember everything about that day….that perfect day. The feeling you felt….that forever feeling…that this is “the one” feeling….that feeling that you thought would never go away. …

“Did you hear me….I said I want a divorce.”

You think about the first signs that something just wasn’t right. You notice he’s wearing his clothes a little differently. He’s breaking lunch dates; he’s coming home later than normal. You brush it off; chop it up to female insecurities. That is until you get that phone call that confirms the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach all along…

“You’ve changed. And I think it’s time for us to move on.”

He has shown you his full blown true colors. After catching him yet again, you take him back, enabling his behavior unknowingly. He knows you won’t leave….so do you. You have become dependent on him. So much so that you have gotten use to the dysfunction.

“I love someone else.”

He’s not even trying to hide it anymore, he has done everything but openly admit he is cheating on you. He has done everything possible thing a man can do to a woman. He has violated you. Put his hands on you, left you home alone for days at a time. No phone calls, no nothing. He comes home as if nothing has happened. You let him because you are just tired of fighting about the same things. You have grown to accept the situation for what it is.

*Door Slams*

He’s gone….and you realize that you allowed him to treat you as second best to everything else that comes in his life. He was your husband when he felt like playing the role. Today was the day that he decided he was done playing with you. He sucked the very life out of you leaving nothing but the shattered pieces of a broken heart just laying there….useless….

*Then there was silence*