Sidebar: I'm really going to do better about updating this blog. I have a lot of things on my mind, but second guess myself when I it comes time to discuss it. No more of that, I've shared a piece of my world with you guys thus far so it's time to go all the way in.
When I love someone. It's very hard for me to let that person go. I've been through this scenario a couple time. Each time is harder than the previous one. Now I find myself in this position yet again. Only this time is different because I'm married (on the brink of divorce). Everything possible that can happen in a marriage that's unhealthy has happened to me, to us. Yet I still hold on to the hope that we will be together someday.
Last week I went on a mini outing with two of my girlfriends. Right before we headed back home, we had a heart to heart about some things about my life and where I was in terms of how I felt about my relationship with him and my child. All of a sudden i started crying. Something that I never really do in front of them. I didn't say much, but I felt like they knew what was bothering me. For me that moment said a lot. it let me know that 1. I didn't have to pretend that I was ok. and 2. I have a great support system willing to listen. and 3.that I don' have to be ashamed of loving someone despite the circumstances.
But jumping back to the point of this...
Today I thought about that conversation and realized that I'm addicted to the thought of being loved. No matter how bad that love is for me, I just wanted someone to love me. For a split second I was actually willing so sacrifice my happiness for the approval of a man who really didn't know my worth. To think about it, for me to put up with so much for so long I didn't know my worth either. I let him do these things to me with no consequence at all. I have to blame myself for some of the things that went on in our marriage.
For better or for worse....I am a strong believer in this. After all I am still married, and we are going through the absolute worse thing we can be going through. I mean honestly, I can't say I wouldn't take him back if and only if he came back completely changed. It may sound stupid to some, but I have always been a firm believer in marriage. Once you got married, it was forever. However, this does not mean I won't move on with my life. I no longer hold on to the fantasy of him coming back. If that happens then I will deal with it then. As of now, I will continue to push forward and make a better life for myself and my child. I will not let my feelings bind me. I will give all my hopes, dreams, and thoughts to God. He will provide the answers I seek and will put my life in order. No longer will I let someone control me. And no longer will I be addicted to love of a common man.
I want to send a special thank you to my friends who have been sticking this thing out with me since the beginning. Know that you are appreciated and loved. And I look forward to sharing my triumphs with you. Its not over till God says its over, and I will keep fighting until I have my victory. God Bless.