At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a limb, the demise of a marriage, even a lost friendship can cause grief. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance. For the purpose of this blog I will outline these five stages using the example of heart break.
The Five Stages of Grief
So its finally over. Only in your mind you just can't seem to wrap that concept up in your brain. You tell yourself "oh well we always fight like this" "he'll be back" "this isn't over". You allow yourself to think that "everything is going to be ok". When you knew a long time ago that this was a eventually going to happen. At this stage it's just easier not to deal with the truth of what's really going on and live in your fantasy land.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt , or at the world, for letting it happen. She may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it. She may be mad at herself for not seeing that person for what he was. She may be mad at him for leading her on and sucking her into this fantasy that never existed. She's mad at every man that even did her wrong and blames everyone of those people, past and present, for her unhappiness.
We've all said that pray at some point in our life. "God if you bring him back to me I promise..." or "God please give us another chance" or somethings it goes something like "God I hope you punish him for every wrong thing he's done and I promise if you destroy his life I will....". Whatever it was, you my friend have just tried to bargain with God. Which is totally normal. As I said, we've all did it at time or two.
After you realize none of that stuff rarely ever works, the depression starts to set in. You star to feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath, your overcome with sadness and guilt. You start blaming yourself for everything that went so wrong.This stage is the hardest to come out of. Its like you just hate facing the world. Putting on a facade of "I'm ok" when deep down inside you just want to cry and cry some more.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.When you can finally move on with your life and know you are going to be fine without him.
During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place. I'm guilty of holding all my feelings inside. Not because I don't think my friends care. But because I get tired of talking about the same things over and over. And I often feel like if I'm tired of talking about it, then they have to be tired of hearing it. Sharing my struggles is something I'm working on.
And as for me and my stage of this grief process....I'd say I go back and forth being anger and depression. I'm way past bargaining. I learned in church that it simply doesn't work the way we desire it to be. Dealing with a heartbreak as strong as the one I'm dealing with has pushed me to the limit. It has mad me feel some things that I just didn't know I could feel. Pain that I never knew existed. Sadness that I try to fight back everyday. Sometimes I just feel like a complete failure. I mean it's gotta be my fault that I couldn't keep my man happy. As ridiculous as this sounds, sometimes these things creep up in my mind. Even though I know there was nothing I could do to prevent this from happening. Its always that inkling of doubt that makes you wonder "what if there was?" This is where I find myself. And it's the nights like this I cry myself to sleep wondering why me? Why did this have to happen to me? And after all that, I tell myself "Felicia, stop it, go to bed and start over. Life isn't over because some man doesn't want you anymore my dear. Its okay to cry and feel bad for the moment but don't let that moment represent your whole life. Don't give him that control. You are beautiful, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. I can't guarantee that these will be the last tears you shed, but I do know for fact you still have your whole life ahead of you. So for today, think about everything that is right in your life, and give all your burdens to the Lord."
Then the next day, I start over....feeling a little a stronger than I felt yesterday.