Then Vs Now

“I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

Those words echo off into the distance as if it were some type of dream. Instantly your mind wonders back to the time they you first met him. Everything seems so vivid, so real. You remember everything about that day….that perfect day. The feeling you felt….that forever feeling…that this is “the one” feeling….that feeling that you thought would never go away. …

“Did you hear me….I said I want a divorce.”

You think about the first signs that something just wasn’t right. You notice he’s wearing his clothes a little differently. He’s breaking lunch dates; he’s coming home later than normal. You brush it off; chop it up to female insecurities. That is until you get that phone call that confirms the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach all along…

“You’ve changed. And I think it’s time for us to move on.”

He has shown you his full blown true colors. After catching him yet again, you take him back, enabling his behavior unknowingly. He knows you won’t leave….so do you. You have become dependent on him. So much so that you have gotten use to the dysfunction.

“I love someone else.”

He’s not even trying to hide it anymore, he has done everything but openly admit he is cheating on you. He has done everything possible thing a man can do to a woman. He has violated you. Put his hands on you, left you home alone for days at a time. No phone calls, no nothing. He comes home as if nothing has happened. You let him because you are just tired of fighting about the same things. You have grown to accept the situation for what it is.

*Door Slams*

He’s gone….and you realize that you allowed him to treat you as second best to everything else that comes in his life. He was your husband when he felt like playing the role. Today was the day that he decided he was done playing with you. He sucked the very life out of you leaving nothing but the shattered pieces of a broken heart just laying there….useless….

*Then there was silence*

Conditions of the Heart....

I hate pain. I don’t know too many people who like it. We will protect our knees with knee pads, our heads with helmets, put on bullet proof vests and what not….So with all that why is it we don’t take that same care and consideration with our hearts?  We treat them as if they are disposable. Like if it gets damage we can break the emergency glass and replace it with a brand new one.  Despite what you see on television, love does not hurt. Yet we allow ourselves to get stomped, crushed and prodded in that same area over and over again. And as time goes on the condition of the heart weakens. The resilience it once had starts to decline. To protect what little life it has, the walls start to build up, the chain is wrapped around it, and the padlock is set in place. We throw the key away, leaving it up to someone else to find a way to unlock it, break the chain, and tear the walls down on that sucker. The side effects of a broken heart may include, anger, sadness, bitterness and most dangerously….indifference.

One would think the condition of the heart would be one’s number one concern, after all, the heart shows people who you really are. Stop treating the most precious thing in your body as if it were waste. Exercise what you process in carefully. Minister to your heart daily. Throw away the unneeded baggage that keeps it heavy. And most importantly, stop letting other people play with it.

No band-aids needed.

The Misunderstood Single Mother

No one wants to be a single mother. No one. Yet it seems to be the norm in the world we live in today. Most of us probably felt like we knew the guy we were sleeping with. That he would never “do that to me”.  We couldn't fathom a guy that we chose to birth a child with could just walk away like that. Yet it happens.  Now not only are we faced with the financial burden of raising the child alone, we are also labeled by society. All of a sudden people are looking at you like it’s your fault that you find yourself in the position you’re in.  Now all of a sudden our very character and integrity is being attacked, we are labeled as whores, welfare junkies, angry and bitter. People tend to generalize and put us single moms in this one little box and we are a fit some certain criteria. When the fact is such generalizations are just quite frankly stupid.  Our circumstances and life situations differ. Not one story is exactly identical to the next. 

Quick personal observation….and rant….:

I've noticed that people feel like because you are raising a child on your own that is an open invitation to ask you all sorts of questions. Listen don’t ask me where my “babydaddy” is because quite frankly that is none of your business. If I don’t share the information with you, that pretty much means I don’t want to talk about it. And please don’t say to me “I don’t know how you do it because I just couldn't imagine being a single mom…..” that is not a compliment, not in the least bit. First of if you aren't in the position I’m in I don’t expect you to understand, so stop trying. Secondly, don’t be so quick to say what you can’t imagine yourself doing.  I’m pretty sure you have had many “ I would never” moments that turned into “well maybe just this once” experience and in an instant that one decision turned your life upside down.

But I digress.

I will say this for those who wonder how we can do what we do and not self destruct…..HELLO BECAUSE WE HAVE TO! Seriously who is gonna do it for us? For us who do this daily, the decision is a very easy one. Make a way or someone will do it for you. Which almost always means having your child snatched up and placed in some foster home where the people are in it just for the money. That may be an extreme example but we single moms tend to think about the worse of circumstances and try very hard to avoid them. Its hard for TWO parents these days to provide the daily necessities that their children need, can you imagine it is for one mother of one or multiple children? We sacrifice, go without, cry in our beds at night, and work crazy hours all for those little eyes that look at us with love, those little hearts that beat a beautiful sound of life, those little hands that grip our fingers ever so tightly, and those faces that can make everything so perfect in that moment. So before you judge us and our situation, how about you take a long look at what we do, what we sacrifice and what we fight for all in the sake of our children. I can bet whatever happened in that past that placed us in this situation will seem so minor to the things we are doing now….

….for the sake of our children.

Isolation....

Isolation....



Population me....

With all the things that have gone on in my life I have found that I often retreat into my own recesses of my mind and will cut off the outside world. The thing is I know I have people who genuinely love me and care about my well being. Yet when I find myself going through issues I often retreat....and that often means that I shut out the outside world....family...friends....everyone...

My mind tells me I don't want to be a burden upon those who love me. My heart tells me that I would be a dummy to trust anyone with my deepest thoughts. But my spirit tells me that I have people placed in my life so I don't have to go through my trials alone.  Yet I sit here in this room burdened with the troubles of my small world and will not reach out to anyone.

What will they say?
How will they react?

I truly want to break free of this bad habit. I want to be able to share my story with those close to me. And  I want to be able to share my story with the masses. But in order for me to do so I have to really take a step back and look at myself. What caused me to feel this way? What has happened during the course of my life that I have become so scared to share my inner thoughts?

When I figure that out then I can truly be what I am called to be in this world. I have to start somewhere and today is that day that I finally start seeking the answers I've been looking for. No matter how painful or uncomfortable those answers make me feel, the truth is the truth.

I don't want to live my life in isolation....

All Pain is Created Equal?

“Pain is Pain”

That was a status I saw about a week ago on Facebook. Upon looking at the comments under his status he finally explained what he meant when he said that. He basically feels like all pain is equal. It feels the same, it looks the same, and even though it comes for various aspects of our lives, when it’s all said and done pain is felt and it is the same all across the board.

Now on some small level, I can understand why he feels that way. Social media has exposed us to so many things; it’s hard to even feel some level of sympathy for our fellow man.  We see Facebook statuses of people pouring their hearts out and we automatically think they are “seeking attention”. We can see a woman frantically looking for her child in the mall and what do we do, we look and judge. “Well she should’ve been paying attention to her child” (true story by the way, saw this happen about a year ago). People in general can see someone else’s pain and not feel a thing.  We aren't required to think about what that particular person may actually be going through. And oh, God forbid they try to commit suicide. That is the ultimate act of desperation and attention seeking. And if they are successful in their attempt?  “Well that’s what they get”.  Then in the same breath we can watch TV shows where more sympathy is given to the mistress then the wife. We can cry for a celebrity’s death, but we won’t even say hi to our next door neighbor. We are to have sympathy for ALL people, not just the ones that we think matter.

Let me tell you something about pain….

Pain causes people to stop believing in love, people, and themselves. Pain can rip a family apart. Pain can break marriages. Pain can ruin friendships. Pain will make you angry. Pain will make you feel lonely. Pain will isolate you. Pain will keep you in complete darkness. Pain will assassinate your very being. Pain creates drug addicts, alcohol abusers, obesity, anorexia, suicide….. Listen, if pain were that superficial then we should just be able to put a little ointment on it, slap a band-aid around and “kiss” it all better.  We can overcome pain but I can tell you it’s much easier to overcome that pain with a good support system around you. God didn't intend for us to go through things alone. And for some people, the social media may be all they have to reach out to others. So instead of writing them off as attention seekers, take some time to find out what the underlying issues is. Send them a kind word, write them an encouraging message, offer to exchange phone numbers, invite them to church. The worse thing they can say to you is no.  The bottom line is that we have to start showing my compassion for our fellow man.  Put yourself in the shoes of the one that is grieving. More importantly, think about the last thing you had to go through something by yourself. Think about how much easier it would've been if you had a support system to help you through it. And most importantly, think about the pain you felt.

Didn't feel too good did it?

The Most Overused Word in Social Media....

Don’t hate….

Shouts out to my haters….

He’s a hater….

She’s a hater….

The Dog’s a hater…

I mean seriously?  I can’t log on Facebook or any other social media site without someone talking about so called haters.  The use and misuse of this word has just gotten totally out of hand. Like seriously, I don’t think that people sit around and have national conferences about the comings and goings of your life.  So I would dare say that most people who think they have haters are delusional at best. Some people’s need for attention is so severe that they rather make up invisible enemies than to go out and actually get a life.  Then you have those who like to boast about all the hater’s they have. “You hater’s won’t steal my shine.” Uh….WRONG! Because now I’m sitting here trying to figure out who you could possibly be talking about. Who is this hater you speak of? A former friend?  A girl who looked at you wrong in Wal-mart? Who? Inquiring minds want to know. “Hater’s are my motivators” Oh really? So “haters” motivate you to get up out of bad and do something with your life? I’m confused; do you have a camera crew following you around documenting your every move? Is your life a movie?  I mean sure, in all fairness I’m sure there are people out here who have haters. But you don’t usually hear talk about those people. Why? Because they are busy enjoying the life they have with the people they love. Why spend an ounce of energy on people who don’t care about you. Pray for their success and keep it moving.

So the conclusion I've come up with is this…..maybe it isn't so much that “people” hate on you. Maybe deep down inside you hate yourself.  I've noticed that most people who put up these anti-hate messages are the same ones who tend to be half naked posing in some provocative manner.  That’s a big red flag to me. That says to me that you are seeking some type of validation through social media. You are longing for acceptances somewhere. Well a couple of men commenting and gawking at your photos isn't going give you the validation you seek. In the end I would ask that you take a real long hard look at yourself. Ask yourself what’s wrong, talk it out. Be honest. Was that friend you called a hater really trying to give you some good advice? Was the girl at Wal-mart looking at you crazy because you had all your assets on display? And finally, do you really have that many haters? Most of us don’t. We are just regular ordinary people. And guess what? There isn't anything wrong with that! 

No One Cares....Until It Happens to Them

You see yet another homeless man on the corner for the hundredth time holding up that cardboard sign “begging” for something. Whether it is money or food, you don’t care. You don’t even bother to read the sign. All you see is a man holding a sign asking for a hand out. You may feel like he can work and make a decent living just like anyone else right? After all this is America the land of opportunity. Little do you know that on this particular day, that man standing on the corner has a wife and a family of three living in a rundown motel room. He only has enough money to keep them there for a week. After 25 years of working for the same company, he was laid off due to budget cuts. Well prepared for this, the family lives of the emergency savings until he find another job. He managed to save enough money to live off of for a year. After filling out countless job applications and going to interviews week after week he has yet to receive a call back. A year later he still finds himself unemployed and looking for work. Before long the bills start piling up as the emergency savings fund gets smaller and smaller. Pretty soon he isn't able to make the mortgage payment so their house goes into foreclosure. He moves his family into a motel. With no other means to make money, he decides to swallow his pride. “Father of three, laid off from job, a week away from being homeless, please help” is what’s written on his cardboard sign.  As he stands there with his cardboard sign, people begin to scream and belittle him. “Get a job!” seems to be the most popular phrase of the day. He’s taunted, mocked, and even spit on. To the outside world he is a man holding a cardboard sign trying to make an easy buck. At the end of the day the man packs up his cardboard sign and heads back to his motel room. He counts what little money he did get. $15.61. As he looks as his wife and children sleeping in the bed, tears start to stream down his cheeks. And as the sun sets, he looks out his window, looks up to the sky he prays this one simple prayer….”Lord please help me”.

The sad thing is no one cares….

Until it happens to them.

We've all heard the story before of boy meets girl. First comes love, then comes marriage, then come the baby in the baby carriage. The only problem is the happily ever after never came. After yet another argument, she finds herself alone in her bed. He’s been gone for three days now. But she’s not worried; in fact she is use to this kind of treatment. For her this was normal. He’s made her feel insecure and unwanted. She knows he is cheating but is afraid to leave.  Not to mention he has hit her on more than one occasion.  He taunts her about her weight as she puts on her clothes in the morning. “You look disgusting” he says. She holds back the tears until she can get to her car. And on the way to work she cries and she cries. The girls constantly ring his phone at all hours of the night. She tries to keep them at bay but it seems when one disappears, two more pop up.  The girls know that she is the wife, yet they don’t care. In fact they make they often joke about how dumb the wife is during their girl talk sessions. With no one else to go, she tries to reach out for help, but it seems her friends are too busy to even notice. Her friends seem happy so she doesn't want to be a burden. She tries to go to her family, but all they do is tell her “I told you so”. The only solace she finds is with a bottle of liquor and some sleeping pills.  She tries to remember who she was before she met her husband but that’s all a blur. She doesn't remember the last time she has smiled or experienced true joy. Fed up with life, she takes her Bible, that bottle of liquor, and those sleeping pills into the bathroom. She opens up her Bible, reads a couple of scriptures through bloodshot eyes. She looks at herself in the mirror and doesn't know who the girl is that is staring back at her. Finally she says this final prayer….”God if I’m worth saving….save me” as she downs half a bottle of pills. As she slowly slips away…..

The sad thing is no one cares…..

Until it happens to them.

The message is clear….. I think it’s time we step off our island (population 1) and really take a look around at the world around us. It’s time to start paying attention. Pay attention to the people that are around you. Listen to the words they are saying. So many cry out for help but it goes unnoticed because we are so wrapped up in our problems and issues. We only care when things happen to us. We are so focused on what we got going on that we “don’t have time” to entertain the next persons problems.  We think helping someone always involves money. But I can tell you personally, a kind word, a hug, and a listening ear can go a long way. Once the money is gone, it’s gone, but the kind words that a person ingrains in your heart can last a lifetime. That cliché “it’s the little things” is a powerful statement because it’s truly those gestures of kindness that can change a person’s life forever.