We as women (especially black women) are supposed to be built "Ford Tough". We come from all walks of life. The single mom, the corporate woman, the married wife....We all have the same struggle.
We are expected to cook, clean, sex our husbands/boyfriends senseless all while maintaining a job, looking good, and remaining a lady through out it all. It's almost like we are forbidden to even show any type of emotion. And of course if we do have some type of opinion, we are automatically labeled as a "bitch" or a "woman scorned". My question is when did it become unacceptable to express how you feel?
I remember many days when I felt like my opinion didn't matter. And because I felt that way, I never really expressed it. Suppressing my feeling became my downfall. I got so caught up in my emotions that I even tried to take my own life. All because I was trying to hide what I was really feeling. When you get trained to not talk about your feelings with your significant other, you also start shutting everyone else out. Sure I put on a front with my friends in family. And I'm sure they knew I was hurting inside. But had they known how bad that hurt was, I'm sure they would have intervened before it ever got that far.
I thank God...Nothing but God. Even when I didn't think my own life mattered. He spared me and didn't let me go. As I sit here and think about it now, I just can't stop the tears from flowing down my face. Because I know I could've been dead and gone. And that just wouldn't have been fair to my family or my friends. They would've been left with questions. What they could've done and how they missed the signs. And really I don't want to hurt anyone that badly.
To my family and my friends, please accept this as my public apology. I will never, ever put you in a position where you will have to grieve for me in vain. Not because I took my own life. Its my promise to you if I ever feel myself slipping, I will call you. I won't hide anymore. I won't be afraid to speak up. I will never be so selfish that I will take my own life and leave ya'll here to pick up the pieces.
And if there is someone out there reading this that is struggling with the same issues. Please know that there is someone out there who loves you. Nothing in this world is worth taking your own life. Your friends love you, your family loves you. Don't be afraid to lean on them for support. Don't be afraid to cry, kick, scream, be angry. You have every right to feel the way you do. Don't shut out the people that love you the most. And most importantly don't be afraid to talk to God. He can fix anything you are facing.
Lastly I want to thank those who have stood by me through all of this. Words can't express how grateful I am. And I know that with friends and family like you, I can get through anything.
*no tears you guys, I think I've cried enough for all of us*
8.6.11
Okay You Caught Him...Now What?
So yesterday I was looking at some old episodes of Cheaters and it got me to thinking. How many of us have gone to the extreme to find out what our significant other is doing when we aren't looking.
I mean we've all done it. Checked his phone when he was sleep. Lurked around his Facebook to see who he's talking to. May have cracked an email or too. (I know I'm not the only one). Call the mysterious phone number that keeps popping up on the phone bill just to see who answers. I've know some women to go to the extreme of putting GPS in their husbands/boyfriends car to find out where they are going at night. Yes we've all been there. But my question is once the truth is revealed what do you do from there?
I constantly caught my ex and other ex's of my past doing stuff that was questionable and downright offensive. The story always plays out the same. You confront him, he denies it, tries to make you feel wrong for snooping. You sit there mad for a minute, while he's pleading his case. Makes up some grand lie that you know is not true. Before you know it, you're apologizing to him as if you did something wrong. And of course make up sex comes soon after.
Then reality hits. As you lay there in the bed fresh off that sexual high, you wonder how the hell did I let this nigga play me? And the vicious cycle continues until one day you've had enough or he's done playing with you. Either way you leave the relationship a little more jaded and a little more damaged. And now of course you carry that baggage over to the next one and repeat the cycle over again.
Wouldn't it just be so much easier to walk away once the infedility has been revealed? And more importantly, if you have to snoop around to find out some stuff about your man then 9 times out of 10 you are going to find exactly what you are looking for. On top of that, once you take the cheater back, you pretty much signed over your relationship. Meaning you just said, okay you cheated, I caught you, the only thing you have to do is fuck the living shit out of me and all is well with the world again. I'm not pointing fingers, I've been guilty of the very thing I'm talking about.
But sometimes I wonder if me and females in general would just walk away once the infidelity was revealed how much better off we would be? I mean really just walk away. Cut him off without a word. Don't look for the explanation, don't wait for the call, and just act as if he never existed. I understand how hard that may be for many. But think about how much heartbreak you'd save yourself if you just cut that shit off before you develop more feelings.
A lot of bad relationships can be avoided if we just listen to what our intution is telling us. That little vocie that keeps nagging you isn't lying. And if you're not going to do that. Don't bother snooping around if you really have no intention of leaving. What kind of point are you trying to prove if you are just gonna continue to set yourself up for failure over and over. I mean its certanly not gonna stop him from cheating. He's just going to be a little more cautious next time. I wish I would've learned this a long time ago. But I definitely get it now. I wasted so much time trying to change a man who was hell bent on having dog in him till the day he dies (or catches HIV). Nothing I can do, say, or prove is going to change that fact that he is who he is. Until that man resolves in his mind that he's done with the game then consider yourself a pawn until you surrender or get knocked off the board.
I mean we've all done it. Checked his phone when he was sleep. Lurked around his Facebook to see who he's talking to. May have cracked an email or too. (I know I'm not the only one). Call the mysterious phone number that keeps popping up on the phone bill just to see who answers. I've know some women to go to the extreme of putting GPS in their husbands/boyfriends car to find out where they are going at night. Yes we've all been there. But my question is once the truth is revealed what do you do from there?
I constantly caught my ex and other ex's of my past doing stuff that was questionable and downright offensive. The story always plays out the same. You confront him, he denies it, tries to make you feel wrong for snooping. You sit there mad for a minute, while he's pleading his case. Makes up some grand lie that you know is not true. Before you know it, you're apologizing to him as if you did something wrong. And of course make up sex comes soon after.
Then reality hits. As you lay there in the bed fresh off that sexual high, you wonder how the hell did I let this nigga play me? And the vicious cycle continues until one day you've had enough or he's done playing with you. Either way you leave the relationship a little more jaded and a little more damaged. And now of course you carry that baggage over to the next one and repeat the cycle over again.
Wouldn't it just be so much easier to walk away once the infedility has been revealed? And more importantly, if you have to snoop around to find out some stuff about your man then 9 times out of 10 you are going to find exactly what you are looking for. On top of that, once you take the cheater back, you pretty much signed over your relationship. Meaning you just said, okay you cheated, I caught you, the only thing you have to do is fuck the living shit out of me and all is well with the world again. I'm not pointing fingers, I've been guilty of the very thing I'm talking about.
But sometimes I wonder if me and females in general would just walk away once the infidelity was revealed how much better off we would be? I mean really just walk away. Cut him off without a word. Don't look for the explanation, don't wait for the call, and just act as if he never existed. I understand how hard that may be for many. But think about how much heartbreak you'd save yourself if you just cut that shit off before you develop more feelings.
A lot of bad relationships can be avoided if we just listen to what our intution is telling us. That little vocie that keeps nagging you isn't lying. And if you're not going to do that. Don't bother snooping around if you really have no intention of leaving. What kind of point are you trying to prove if you are just gonna continue to set yourself up for failure over and over. I mean its certanly not gonna stop him from cheating. He's just going to be a little more cautious next time. I wish I would've learned this a long time ago. But I definitely get it now. I wasted so much time trying to change a man who was hell bent on having dog in him till the day he dies (or catches HIV). Nothing I can do, say, or prove is going to change that fact that he is who he is. Until that man resolves in his mind that he's done with the game then consider yourself a pawn until you surrender or get knocked off the board.
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